Monday, July 05, 2004

vote for me

Even though many of my fellow bloggers are apparently unable to resist a beauty contest, I’ve been resolutely ignoring a certain list, designed to facilitate networking and a generally pleasant life for a group of people whose existence is predicated on ideological respectability.

Prospect. Fucking Prospect. How do you feel when a magazine called Prospect flops on your doormat? Do you feel overcome by a tingle of moderate progressivism? What’s that like, exactly? Is it like mice gently nibbling your scrotum? Or is it like the gentle squeak of bats being popped in a microwave? Later, does one need the aid of a single glass of excellent Mer-lot to recover? Or does one go outside to Appreciate the Design Community, wherever it may lurk?

Anyway, I hereby enter myself as a write in competitor. You can see by the above that I am no stranger to letters, belles and otherwise. And look at the competition. There are plenty of actual thinking types here, but none of them are British. As to the Brits…

Richard Dawkins is a nice guy and fully on the side of the apes, but I’m not sure that jihad is the best way of promoting atheism. Linda Colley is less capable of expressing herself plainly than George Bush. Melanie Phillips is not fit to bite the scabs off my elbow, whatever her controllers in Tehran might think. Geoff Mulgan isn’t fit to bite the scabs off my other elbow. Yours neither.

And the rest? A pack of prehensile status monkeys, scribbling valets of power, thoughtless think tankers and vile ranting dogs.

So vote for me. Go on, do it. I’m an intellectual. I’m personally slovenly. I’ll nick any idea that’s not tied down and guarded with flamethrowers. I’m the kind of damn fool who prefers to be bribed with status than hard cash. I bear senseless grudges indefinitely. I have an overweening sense of intellectual entitlement. I have nothing useful to say and a frantic urge to make people listen. I'm not a woman, but winning this could get me enough op-ed commissions to pay for the operation.

I am the boss thinker. I was born for this job. You know what to do.